It is 2/22 and it’s been year 7 since Chloe passed away!
As I type this, I am at a loss for words. I am sad and I miss my baby. I miss knowing Chloe at 1 years old, at 5 years old, and now at 7 years old. I wish I could share with you that February 22nd is easy… it’s not! I wish I could tell you I’ve broken the code for living after loss. I wish I could share that I miss her less or that my grief has gotten easier… it hasn’t.
All the days
All my days I struggle, I struggle to make sense of how to move forward. How to get the gumption to live after losing Chloe. All the days I think of Chloe and I realize that the difficulty is … all the days of my life I am without Chloe and that’s where I have to find my courage.
The moment it all changed
I can remember seeing Chloe for the first time as if it had just happened. I felt all was right in the world. And quickly I found out that she wasn’t mine. She wasn’t going to stay for long. And even as I type this, it takes my breath away. I changed at that moment, it wasn’t and it isn’t about me, it’s about Chloe. All about Chloe. I am so grateful for the change. The moment I became who I am supposed to be. I found my purpose and I understand I am meant to help others who are grieving, as well. In that moment, I could’ve never prepared for the difficulty that I now face. And this struggle is finding my life without Chloe. In my seventh year, it’s heavier and yet at the same time more lucid.
Oh my, time and grief have nothing, absolutely nothing to do with each other!!! Time is a hallucination when it comes to grief, there’s no amount of time that will make it ok and there’s no amount of time to waste. Quite the difficulty, I’ve chosen to live. No questions or doubts! I am alive and live!!!
Yesterday my best friend almost died (she is ok now, thanks to God). And even as I type that I start to cry. Last week my beautiful Aunt Alice died.
The commonality is I am so afraid to lose anything or anyone else. My heart hurts and I am always afraid when Chloe’s Dad drives to work that it’ll be it. Or when my cousin leaves my house, will I see her again? That’s the fears of loss.
This is my year 7.
This year 7 I woke up after a long sleep of loss. I miss my family so much it hurts but I am alive. I have chosen to live this life with all the challenges and difficulty- it’s a great life. Of course, I want Chloe and my parents here but that can’t happen and I live with this…we are the Society of the After. I have gotten to know myself, I have faced myself and I know that my parents and most important, Chloe is here. She’s right here with me!! Just not as I would want for year 7.
I could go on and on but instead, I’ll leave you with this, no matter year 1 or day 1 or year 35 – Grief is what you have to learn for yourself to live with. I am sending you all my love and grace!!
I would love to support you, I am giving 30-minute Zoom sessions for the month of February, you get to keep the recording and you can click here to schedule for the month of February.
Also come get support by joining After Chloe’s Private Facebook Group by clicking here
Love and Grace,