I often look to the first moment that I wake up each day – just for that moment I forget that I don’t have my daughter Chloe or my parents here with me and then that excruciating realization happens, they are gone. Sadness overwhelms me all over again and I then go through a series of all that I cannot face or I cannot do but then I came up with a way to wake up with the grief and face the day and in these last couple of years, I’ve learned to live again.
To live or to exist
So for you that read my blog posts or see my content on social media – I think you would see that I definitely attempt to live but allow me to explain how I decided to start living versus just exist. It wasn’t some grand plan, instead for me there were small micro-moments of choosing to be alive and they were on my terms and my own timeline. I couldn’t and I still cannot rush myself but I had to learn to take small leaps of faith to live again.
dew21`So my decision to live or to exist came at anything that requires moving my body or thinking and sometimes the existing beat out the living but today I am proud that while I still grieve daily, I’m living 99.5% of the time!!!
It’s Not All or Nothing
A huge realization that I had to come to was, it isn’t all or nothing. It’s instead a choice to take moments to be alive as I can. I had to create an existence to be gentle with myself and never to force or think I have to do this today. I did not go into a store that had baby items for a really really long time. Then slowly I started to go back to Target and Kohls. Sometimes it’s still hard but as I’ve mentioned – I had to create a way to honor my baby Chloe and I still take it as it comes.
The holidays are tough for me, so as I head into the new year every year- I’ve attempted to create a routine of sorts. I try to wake up the same time each day – for me, sleep was a struggle for years and I try to hit the pillow by midnight on the weekdays and on the weekends I’ll sleep in. But for me structure was needed and I created a schedule I could go by that wouldn’t take too much out of me. Responsibilities create less flexibility but I realize now that I had to create a life after loss and it’s been quite a journey to do this but creating a routine that’s flexible to my grief has been one of the biggest influences in finding my way after my losses.
I can’t get out of bed
This absolutely happens, the new year brought me to my knees in the first two weeks and I cried every day in January of this new year. Grief will knock you down, all you can do is take it as it comes, don’t judge your grief. I created a 5-minute rule – I will cry in bed or in the shower for a full five minutes and then I ask myself what is wrong and I process it – I have to ask myself what level the grief is on and that will dictate if I can continue my morning routine
My best friend is God and then my journal.
Yes – prayer – I pray/meditate (yup I do both) every day in the morning and without it I can’t face anything or anyone.
My journal connects me to God, it centers me and carries me through my most difficult times. I vent to my journal, I write it out. If I am not able to write it out, I record voice memos on my iPhone and it is a game changer!!
Being honest, you’ve got to be truthful with yourself or you cannot access where you are. I would lie to myself about how badly I felt and truthfully I had to get honest and this changed everything.
I hope that one or all of these won’t only help you with your daily routines but also with your grief!!
I would love to support you, I am giving 30-minute Zoom sessions for the month of February, you get to keep the recording and you can click here to schedule for the month of February.
Also, come get support by joining After Chloe’s Private Facebook Group by clicking here