Suppose you’ve experienced the impossible experience of loss. Losing someone that you love, who is a part of you, emotionally. You’ll understand what you are about to read:
I watched my only child die, a slow death. She had so many tubes and IVs attached to her small body of only 57 days, and she weighed less than 7 pounds. If I pick up a case of water, Chloe Carolyn Garcia quickly comes to my mind. And her journey isn’t the point of this blog post, but for the sake of the point I am trying to make – she was suffering, and I just didn’t get it then, and nine years later, I don’t get it now. Why was she born to suffer and to be sick? And the healthcare workers sat and reassured me that I and Chloe’s dad were going through all of this for a reason? What reason? But they are the professionals, right? So I waited for the purpose, and I waited. As I write this, I am going to be very blunt, sometimes horrible; impossible things happen for no reason. No grand plan. No lesson.
It’s painful, and it sucks.
You may think I don’t believe in God and that I am angry. I do believe in God. No, I’m not angry anymore. There isn’t anyone or anything to be upset with or about. I am incredibly blessed in this life. I cannot put into proper words what an honor it is to be Chloe’s mom, but it sucks that she died. It’s painful and horrible. There isn’t a reason or a lesson that I learned from watching my daughter suffer. Sometimes there isn’t a reason. There isn’t a reason to lose someone that you love.
Do we want a reason?
Do we need a reason?
Do we need a reason to feel as if our feelings are valid?
Let’s get down to the point of this post.
First, I can’t answer if there is or isn’t a reason for your experience. I can only speak to my scenario and my perspective on death and the whole outlook on dying!
Let’s dive in:
We believe that if there isn’t a reason that we’ve lost our loved one, a profound- meaningful reason, that it was for nothing. It is somehow more impossible. This is a false story we tell ourselves. The truth is this, reason or no reason isn’t going to make your loss or your process more comfortable. This is hard. Period. No debate.
What you can do is change the narrative. Decide that it isn’t about finding a reason but instead about finding your way after the loss. Why do we put so much focus on the loss versus focusing on love? Concentrate on who has been lost? Focus on how to honor your loved one?
Those are questions you can answer as you navigate through your journey of grief, as you find your way.
It can’t, and it won’t be easy to find perspective, but it allows you to take your focus off needing or understanding ”reason.”
Perspective vs. Reason.
Reason means that it will teach you something and that there is this lesson learned.
Perspective is what you come to understand from your journey of grief.
And in all transparency, this is why I don’t believe that loss ”happens for a reason” or ”to teach us a lesson.” But I do believe we must gain a perspective of how to deal and feel about the loss and the grief. How to cope with grief and loss. And how to learn to navigate with the perspective of this!!
And that’s why we want a reason, that’s why we need a reason. A reason isn’t needed to validate our feelings of grief and how and what anyone feels after loss. You need to honor your process, I recently wrote a blog post about feeling what you feel, click here to read. Feel free to feel and the truth is to be sure to acknowledge your feelings, that isn’t to feel the need to judge them, define them, diagnose them, but instead witness your feelings as you find your way.
If there is a reason and it means something, it’ll hurt less. I know you may have thought this. Well, maybe not, but I have. If my parents and Chloe dying meant something then somehow I could justify the impossibility of all of it. But there’s no truth to that statement. Yet, I didn’t know that then. I had to learn this; I have had to experience my grief and loss and feel through it! As I encourage you to find your way, I encourage you to feel your feelings, and I also encourage you to put down all the expectations for some grand reason.
There may be no reason.
It isn’t meant to be a lesson.
It just sucks, and it hurts.
And it’s up to you to figure that out and figure out how to proceed!
Please feel free to get support by joining my private Facebook Group by clicking here
Get my Grief Ebook by Clicking here
I would love to invite you to schedule a Reignite Your life Call, you may be wondering? What is that? It’s a A 30-minute call where we reignite your life after loss On this call, we’re going to go over practical ways to be present while honoring your grief. What to do with all your feelings. And instantly, how to get self-aware and to function throughout your day!
Be sure to Book your call quick before my calendar books up by clicking here.