The Loss Of Us

The Loss Of Usfeatured

I remember the exact moment I saw Chloe’s dad, it changed me at my core. I knew that we were suppose to be together… I loved him more than anyone, anything… more than myself and I know that this was the end from the start. I couldn’t give up. I wouldn’t give up, I wanted to stay married… stay together and hold on to the remnants of our family.

Needless to say what I wanted and what happened, is very different- I had to learn that wanting and doing and letting go are all very different experiences – the truth is that I began to understand all of these experiences – one by one.

 

The Loss of Us

Wanting

The marriage of us, in fact wasn’t a union but instead two people really loving each other without really knowing how to love ourselves.  We instead hoped that we could’ve learned along the way. The truth is that this post isn’t meant to discuss Chloe’s dad or who he is or who he isn’t – but instead to hopefully describe a great love story.  Hopefully I convey how much I love this man and no matter what has happened or what will happen I will forever love him for who he is.

Doing

To love someone and to make a child from that love is unexplainable.  The marriage was damaged from day one, and I don’t think I was willing to do, to compromise, to accept him for who he was.  In hindsight, I believed having a family would secure a life with him, would ensure that he wouldn’t leave me … that he wouldn’t forget me and that he wouldn’t stop loving me.  How wrong I was.
Having Chloe, made me feel inadequate  There was something wrong with my (notice how I state my) baby . There was something wrong with me. I began to struggle with her dying.   In my heart as much as I wanted her alive- I knew that she was going to die.  Chloe’s dad didn’t want to believe this.  There was no doing, there was only watching… only waiting, only pain and feeling hopeless and helpless.  With the holes in the marriage of me and Chloe’s dad, made these holes, infinite, that to this day there was no doing, only watching the marriage die, just as Chloe did.

Letting Go

After Chloe died, as I have stated many times – I died, Chloe’s dad died, and the Remnants of our marriage died.
We couldn’t let go of her death, we couldn’t let go to grieve.  Instead, we held on to our patterns of the inconsistency of the marriage,the blaming each other for losing Chloe and the reality that the marriage had died …We died … she had died and I wanted to physically die… we couldn’t let go…

The marriage consisted of Dec 2009, his nephew died suddenly- in June 2010 my father died- in 2011 our Chloe passed away – in 2012 my mom passed away. The truth was ,I can’t even tell you how we survived as long as we did. We were both in our loss, we both were in the demise of ourselves.  Now, this isn’t being written to be poetic but, instead to be honest and maybe just maybe help those couples that experience loss ..

What we could have done?

We could’ve been kinder, more gentle, more tolerant and willing to do the work (what we are going to have to do anyways)

But that isn’t what happened… what do I say to couples in loss?

I tell them the following…

  • No one, absolutely no one grieves the same
  • Know that it’s not the other persons fault and that no matter how cruel you treat the person – it will not make anything better.
  • Be comforting- do extra- be extra patient and know that this pain, will only ease if you go through it.
  • Seek support, seek counseling for yourself first.  Before you can support your spouse you have to help yourself first.
  • Be present, spend quality time, get away from everything, allow yourself to stop thinking or doing.  Just be in the moment.
  • Have sex- yes really – keep that intimacy with your spouse.
  • Don’t cheat – physically, emotionally, with porn.. don’t do it.

The experience of getting to be Chloe’s Mama & Dad changed everything! Changed our lives forever. When we decided to have Chloe we use to dance, Chloe’s dad would sing a song to me & he would sing to Chloe.. We loved each other & our life! When we lost Chloe, I can remember walking out of the hospital knowing that everything has changed.  He lost me & I lost him.  Yet, he remains the only other person that knows what it is like to be Chloe’s parent and for that I will forever love him and love us.

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Also please check out The Power of You Masterclass on May 11, 2017.

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