I was driving and I heard that jingle on the radio – yup, that jingle that reminds, manipulates, invokes that love that you must proclaim in May every year…Mother’s Day.
For me this personally cuts like a sharp knife, actually a double knife. I am not technically a mother and I no longer have a mother. This creates quite the issue. I struggle to make sense of not having my mom or my daughter so, I avoid restaurants and anywhere flowers and greeting cards are sold. I avoid the nail salons, where you are sure to find the makings of various commercials showing all the love between mother and daughter ever known.
Once upon a time, I called my mom 10 times a day. I went everywhere with my mom and I asked her opinion about everything and everyone. She knew me, she wasn’t just my mother – she was my best friend. Slowly, that once upon a time began to deteriorate. I remember when she had her first heart attack, her leg was amputated. Then my father died and the day he died, so did she. In February of 2012 (although she didn’t pass away until October 2012) I sat with her fully present for the very last time. We had lunch and I saw her- it was my mom. She spoke to me just like she had for all those years. I remember that day, that moment and I will forever and ever hold on to that very moment.
Losing her to illness and the death of my dad and my daughter was a very hard truth to swallow. So my Mother’s Day isn’t only in May, it’s daily. Every moment of everyday she’s there – within me. She’s a part of everything I am, and wow!! How comforting and devastating this is.
My intention of this specific post is to explain that the loss of your mother is one that cannot be handled by the weak. It creates this strength and this vulnerability all in one. I want someone to ask me if I’ve eaten or done my taxes, but it’s not someone I want, it’s my mom. All those struggles and irritations no longer exist because folks, all we have is this very moment. My mom understood every moment of my life except when I lost my daughter Chloe. The moment Chloe died, I spoke another language – my mother knew it knocked me down and I never got up the same. That is the understanding between us.
I have her cat, yup her beautiful, annoying cat. I hug that cat tight and I feel her. That cat understands my grief and I understand her cat’s grief. We have an understanding. The truth is with my Mother’s Day I struggle and I cry and I’ll never be the same for Mother’s Day. I’ll never ever be ok, and guess what that is ok. Recently one of my best friends lost both of her moms and I see myself in her grief.. I see the lack of being able to sit well in her skin. I see that nothing comforts her and that is the journey of grieving your mother. Life isn’t meant to be without your mother. I don’t want sympathy, I want you to be inspired to love more, forgive everything and value every single moment with your mother. For my Mother’s Day this year I may sleep all day or devour a couple of movies and romance novels or I may go for a walk or cry all day. That is my Mother’s Day not being ok.
To you, my bestie, I love you and I can only hope that Chloe would be 1/2 of the daughter that you continue to be to your moms. We are truly the luckiest to have you Bestie. To anyone whose lost your mother, create your own Mother’s Day. To anyone whose lost a child and is coming towards Mother’s Day – only do what you feel like doing!!!
With love and grace, And to every single Mother out there – I send you infinite amounts of love,
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Also please check out The Power of You Masterclass on May 11, 2017.