Oh my, oh my the guilt I don’t discuss this much, there many sides of guilt. I struggle with all those sides. Very different in each loss I’ve experienced. When my dad passed away, I felt so guilty to keep going and I felt guilty of all that I hadn’t done (and I don’t really even understand what “all that” is) . When my baby Chloe died I wanted to go with her. I felt guilty that I was alive and she was dead and when my mother died – I felt all of the above and I felt that I failed her and I felt guilty I didn’t have more time with her, to do for her and how did I deserve to continue to live… Keep reading, I’ll explain all the stages of grief!!!
We all face the “Guilt”
Why is it that you believe that there is any shame in your grief? Why is it that you believe that your guilt is something that you should avoid or feel forever?
Grief is always going to have guilt. We all will feel some type of guilt associated with the loss. And it’s ok if you happen not to feel any guilt. And it’s ok and normal if you do feel guilt.
Innocent until proven…
How many movies have we seen like this- “you are innocent until proven guilty” BUT in interpersonal relationships, there is always going to be the should haves, would haves and could haves. Specifically, when you have a child pass away, there’s a guilt – a feeling that living is almost like forgetting. And this isn’t the truth but these feelings we have are very valid and understandable. In truth these feelings of guilt come from what we think we should or could have been doing and remember just because you feel it doesn’t make it true.
Am I just hysterical?
Possibly. Stay with me… we tend to believe our hysterics of the grief. Hysterics are usually not the most rational way of thinking and that’s also that the way grief is. Grief isn’t calm and peaceful it’s chaos and pain. We tend to want to justify the situation because we don’t have control over the loss. We can control blame- that usually ends up being ourselves. Take the time to allow yourself all the feelings, allow yourself to feel guilty if that’s what you feel. The guilt we feel for the envy and jealousy
I can’t ignore the feelings of envy/jealousy when I see someone with their parents or someone with their child. I think it’s a natural passing feeling.
We tend to beat ourselves up. We believe that we are not entitled to feel any sort of envy. That just isn’t true. As I mention in most of my posts, we have to become very self-aware. We have to become laser focused to only allow ourselves to take on the feelings we have and work from there.
Often I see so many women struggle with infertility and/or struggle with the loss of a child/infant. No matter the age, no matter the struggle, it’s not easy to handle. Here’s the key – once you become aware of your feelings, only then can you effectively deal with them. And also move through those feelings of envy/jealousy.
How to deal with the feelings of the grief:
- It’s ok to feel this way- allow your feelings of guilt.
- Process it and recognize that even if your guild is justified, begin forgiving yourself, create an anchor though such as “I did my best”, “I know that I wanted the highest good for everyone” or “I forgive myself and I continue to approach myself with love”.
- Decide to verbalize your guilt. Talk to someone and, as I mention above, process that guilt to understand you can forgive yourself.
- Write a letter to your loved one about why you feel guilt and what you would do differently. Put it away and when you feel the overwhelm of the guilt reread it. This helps you process it.
- Be honest about the hysterics of grief, it’s not rational. It’s nothing you can do to change the loss. When you recognize the irrational feelings of the guilt it will assist you getting past them.
- Know that your loved one wouldn’t want you to feel guilt. What would he/she say to you? Remember that.
- Be constructive with your guilt. Decide to live your best life. Decide you want to live! To be alive the greatest honor to the love that remains. Volunteer, start a charity, pray more, meditate, help others…do something with that grief.
Those are ways to help with the grief and the only way that’s the right way is what helps you!!
I’m sending you love & grace
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