Start Where You Are…
Lovely one, I’m going to assume if you are reading this post, it is because you are facing loss...
And for this, I am sorry. The finality of Loss can seem and is impossible.
Allow me to say I’m very sorry for your loss, and I cannot imagine what you are facing.
I wish I could take your loss away.
I wish I could somehow make all your sadness go away ... but what I can do is get you to stay…
You may be thinking- what is she writing about???
Stay with me...
I lost my dad, my baby daughter Chloe and my mom ... and I couldn’t start living .. I couldn’t start anything. Instead I sat still and just was waiting to ... well I am going to assume you get that the grief over took me.
But I don’t want to focus on the grief, instead I want to focus on starting .. on living after loss .. and well there is a lot of complications that come with that but let’s start here, shall we:
Where you are...
That’s for you to decide.. but let’s agree that you can’t start living because you want life to go back to what it was prior to the loss(es)?
And where you are is sad, feeling alone, disconnected .. and so on?
Ok so let’s begin with where you are- you have to decide to start .. and look at where you are!
Ask yourself can you take the loss back? Can you go back in time? Unfortunately none of us can. Now ask yourself what in this present moment can help me to start? Is that showering? Getting dressed? Washing the dishes?
Let’s keep it simple and start right where you are in this very moment.
Being Gentle with Yourself
You cannot expect anything from anyone unless you do it for yourself. I have judged every person in my life in person and online because no one understood my grief journey - well guess what? I didn’t understand my grief journey either!
So here’s what I realized - if it was anyone - a loved one or stranger I would be gentle and kind to them and for them. Yet, why .. oh why can’t I do that for myself???
So here’s what I have realized ... I must at all times be gentle with myself ... that may be saying no to others and that may be me reminding myself to eat at all times ... and drinking lots of water ... that’s me starting right where I am at. So let’s discuss you, you have to start being gentle with yourself at this very moment- stop judging your grief! Stop thinking that you need to just allow yourself to keep waiting for someone to come and save you ... it’s up to you and God ( your higher power) to decide its time to start. And being gentle with yourself, allowing yourself to be gentle in all instances!!
What’s the alternative to starting?
You’ll keep waiting and then you will have to realize there is no alternative. Time waits for no one. Until you choose to live an amazing life. Until you state to yourself, I want to live an amazing life and I am worth it ... the only alternative is that you are wasting life! Your life.
Practice Starting
You have to decide that you are worth it. You have to recognize that you have lost what you cannot replace and there is no alternative... it’s happened and it’s tragic and horrible. But no one can live life for you. Practice and fake it but get up and love yourself through this.
I still to this day that I’m writing this, I have to practice making sense of life .. and starting. I absolutely many days - just want to stay in bed and not participate in living but I am refusing to waste any more time.
Honor the love, Instead of the Loss
The first year after Chloe died .. I was consumed by how she died and who said what to me .. but the reality was and is .. she’s not here .. and I can’t even describe in words how much I love her ... and how am I honoring that love for her? By gaining 80 pounds? By crying all the time? By not living but just existing?
That’s not honoring the love .. that’s being consumed by the loss ....
Ask yourself, how can you focus on the love not the loss?
How can you honor the love!?
