Betraying My Grief

Betraying My Grieffeatured

As I sit here, I’ve been in tears for the last 2 hours.   I am feeling as if I have betrayed the state of my grief, betraying my loss.  Please read on to understand and know this is one of the most vulnerable blog posts that I’ve written….

I am overweight, and more important, I am physically unhealthy.

Now you may be thinking…ok and…well.  I have struggled with self-image my whole life and for many years I thought I was overweight but I wasn’t.  I now realize I’ve always been unhealthy.  I’ve done every diet, I’ve had plastic surgery, I’ve done drugs to suppress my appetite.  I’ve tried it all except to adopt a healthy relationship with food and exercise.

And then the losses happened…and my weight began to yo-yo beyond normal.  Weight gains and losses, the roller coaster of an 80-pound weight gain. And even as I type this, I feel deflated and broken and I feel as if letting go of this weight I am betraying the state of my grief.

My relationship with food

I am a recovering drug addict. I was addicted to cocaine and I stopped through an extensive recovery and today I don’t crave it, I don’t look for it and there’s nothing that would make me go back to it. But food…I have a love affair with carbs, sugars, drinking syrupy drinks and food is there for me.  It never left me, it held me through my recovery from drug use, of my divorces, my breakups, my lack of worth and losing my child, my dad, and my mom.

No one knew

I don’t know when my intake of food got so out of control.  I don’t overeat but all I eat is fast food and sweets.  My physical body has taken a beating and the shame of the abuse I have inflicted on my own body – it’s shameful and embarrassing.  And in my mind no one knew that I never feel full and I always feel as if I need to eat .. when I am happy, sad or any emotion – I relate food.

Eat to fuel not to feel

My best friend, Says Kathy (click here to connect with her) tells me this all the time: “Eat to fuel, not to feel” . I realize that the food assisted my grief and the state of my grief.  So as I realize this – there is shame, fear, and hesitation.

What does this have to do with loss and grief?

Well in my case everything. And many of us take our relationships with food and lack of self-care to not be a necessity to thrive or to live or to survive. For me personally, I shut down and was surviving on fast food and just waiting to break down and I have hit a wall. And I want to bring awareness that self-care and good physical health is mandatory to grieve and process loss!

Why am I discussing this?

In our state of grief, we tend to let go of caring for ourselves, for various reasons that we will begin to tackle but truth is that we stop living, we stop being healthy and we stop taking stock of being conscious of living life in the most healthy way. We are consumed in grief, in guilt and confusion as to how we proceed. Weight gain and/or weight loss is an unhealthy way to proceed.

How do you begin?

By taking the time to start your healthy journey… taking the time to begin caring for yourself .. this too will assist you in learning to live again.
The truth is that you can have the best state of mind but if you don’t care for your health, it won’t help you lead a long and healthy life!!

What I am doing and you can

I’ve committed to changing my health. I have asked for help from my very good friend Natalie Rensi – click here to connect with her- to help me get a healthy lifestyle full of living and I would love for you to join me on my journey.  I will be documenting once a week with a blog post and some live streaming. I will also be doing some giveaways and some support. Because you are worth it and I am worth it!

If this resonates with you email me that you want to join me on this journey – click here to email me

Thank you for holding space with me and allowing me to share my personal struggles!!!

I would love to support you, I am giving 30-minute Zoom sessions for the month of February, you get to keep the recording and you can click here to schedule for the month of February.

Also, come get support by joining After Chloe’s Private Facebook Group by clicking here

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