What October brings.
Before I get into October, I feel it necessary to write about 2019. What a year! It’s not incredibly bad or good but more so it has been a year of unimaginable growth!That is correct, I never believed that I could grow at the rate and pace that I have. I thought that if I don’t face all that I want and my desire to serve others- it will just go away but in fact, it’s my driver. You. Yes, you – you are my driver! And I know without a doubt that I am meant to speak grief and to provide tools and resources to assist you in living after loss! Stay tuned for the next 60 days! Now let’s chat about what October brings!
When we think about what October brings, we think Fall, Pumpkin Spice everything and The holiday season commences.
Personally, I think of loss. Pregnancy and Infant Loss. How I am a mother whose here and my baby is there.And this introduction isn’t exaggerated or even dramatic, this is what October brought.
One recent October morning, I sat in the Target parking lot on a October morning and I sobbed. Not a feel good after it all cry but a hysterical, I felt my head was going to explode cry. And my eyes swollen from the tears that didn’t seem to want to stop flowing. Allow me to explain, this is what October brings.I am infertile. There I said it. I am childless and yes I know Chloe is my child but my body fails me. My body was incapable to give me, to give us a child. And that follows me into every October.It will hit me. Sometimes a lot, and sometimes not at all. But today, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month comes to a close. The Anniversary of my Mom’s Death was year # 7 and another Halloween after Chloe. It was supposed to be my 11 year wedding Anniversary. And as I typed all of that, nothing is as it should be. I am failing at who I was. She is just as gone as both of my parents and my baby, Chloe. And what I believed my life was suppose to be. And, as I was sitting in the Target parking lot, I saw a senior couple, they were wheeling the red cart- slowly and calmly. She couldn’t walk very well and he was slowed down by age and having to help her, I assumed. I quickly got out of the car to help them, I put all their bags, there were about 10 or 11 of them and they praised me for doing nothing but I appreciated not failing. Instantly the woman could tell I had been crying and she asked in Spanish what was wrong and I laughed it off. She tried to give me a $5 dollar bill for coffee and she explained her husband was blind and she needed a hip replacement- so she was praying someone would come to help them, she was taking these costumes to a church in the town right across the border where we live. And I instantly felt the tears want to start to flow again but instead I told her that I had done nothing and to please give that to the church, in my broken Spanish and with Google translator. I made sure she was in the car and buckled in the drivers seat and the man in the passengers. He looked so strong and fierce. As I watched them drive away, I realized this is what October brings.Infertility, loss, loneliness- like the couple I am referring to, you don’t know what anyone faces.
The brokenness, why or how? You don’t know! I don’t know. Its not your place or my place to assume or to decide what loss is to anybody.It is not for judge or jurors, this is what October brings.
October also brought me amazing news that Chloe’s story is published in David Kessler’s upcoming book, The Sixth Stage of Grief, the news came on the 7th anniversary of my Mom’s death. You can pre-order the book for release on November 4th. ( Click here if you want to check it out). I also celebrated Chloe’s Dads birthday and we with ease and no resentment, have settled into a infinite understanding that our daughter lives on in our hearts and we can finally discuss that with grace.
That is continuously a work in progress!
And as we head face-first into November and we mumble and bumble all about gratitude and the last 60 days of the year- remember this, wherever you are – It is ok. Where ever your grief takes you, I am hoping that you’ll recognize your breath and your resilience to know that you deserve to a life of living after loss.And the only one that can give you that is you.
And for a really long time, I searched high and low for ” a How To” or “a guide of how to face my grief and loss”. Of how to recognize that I’ve lost more than I have. I’ve lost what is supposed to be and now have no idea how to face what is.That brings me to the current moment, I am bringing the 3rd Annual After Chloe Online Summit!It is tools and resources of what you need to do within and find yourself and your way!It is designed to find yourself to help you find your way after loss!
This is what drives me!! And you have all of my love and grace! Forever and always!