This is the hardest blog post I’ve ever written. Not because of it being about Abortion, but because of the shame and embarrassment that I’ve carried for well over 20 years.
So, here it goes:
I was about to turn 19 years old and what started out as one of the best Summers of my life – turned out to be life altering and I had no idea how much this would affect me.
I was reckless and nothing bad ever happened to me, I considered my life to be “lucky”. I thought that I cared for ( I won’t state love, because at that time in life – I had no idea what love was) someone and we had sex. A lot of sex. And I missed my period, now I had so many issues with my hormones and PCOS, that I had no idea, that I could be pregnant. That just couldn’t happen to me. I remember my Mom taking me to Longs Drugs to buy me an elixir to start my period. I took it and my period didn’t start. And then she called my Pediatrician’s office and I got a pregnancy test. And 4 days before my 19th Birthday, I found out I was pregnant. It was never a thought that I would go through the pregnancy. My Mom cried and my Dad hugged me and before I knew it, I was going to Planned Parenthood and I terminated the pregnancy. I had an Abortion.
That was by far the worst experience of my life. Not physically but it made me hate myself.
Before this happened, I struggled with my self-worth but after that- I believed everything that happened to me, was because of that day in August. And anything bad, I deserved.
I and my parents never spoke of it again. I lost my mind. The shame and the belief that I would be punished forever. That came with me and found me in every instance.
When I was ganged raped- I deserved it. When I became addicted to drugs- it was my punishment. And so on. The ectopic pregnancy, was all because I had an abortion. So were the miscarriages!
That was all before Chloe.
Meeting Chloe’s dad, he gave me worth. He made me feel as if I could do anything because he loved me. And he protected me. When we couldn’t get pregnant and then had miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy, I realized I would live with the pain of the Abortion because I deserved everything bad that had ever happened. Even with his love. We decided on IVF. And it failed. I believed it was my punishment!
Then, 2 weeks after my dad’s death, we found out Chloe was coming- finally, I had been forgiven. So I thought. Most of you know but if you don’t- Chloe was born preterm and died after 57 days.
And one of the first thoughts was when Chloe died was – I deserve this.
I share all of this to let you know my opinion, I’ve been asked and asked again. I believe that choosing Abortion is a personal and individual journey. I can’t state if it’s right or wrong. I cannot use my beliefs to alter yours or manipulate you because I have a stance on how I think you should choose to treat your body. I also do not believe that we as humans should choose for each other.
As most of you may or may not know, I was raised in a very religious background. When anything happened- the Abortion, me being gang-raped, all of my mental health issues- we didn’t discuss it in my home or seek out healing! My parents loved me and they were phenomenal parents but they didn’t have the tools or the ability to deal with what I faced and couldn’t face.
I created a narrative in my mind. So when I think of Abortion, I think of 19-year-old Melo, that believed that she had no value because of her decision. And that 19-year-old girl had no clear understanding of what she did.
Because I think of her, I am positive that there are hundreds of thousands of young women that are in the same position that I was.
I also know what it feels like to be raped and the fear of being pregnant stayed with me for almost six months after that horrific traumatic experience.
I also know what it feels like to not have the the the support and to want to commit suicide because, in society, I was taught that I am a “murderer”.
Since the inception of After Chloe, it’s my greatest fear that someone would expose my Abortion.
Chloe’s dad doesn’t even know, as I write this. I’ve never had the courage to share it with him.
Yet, in all consciousness, I must come forward and share my truth.
If you are wondering if I am writing this with agenda, for persuasion, manipulation or to make a political statement, that isn’t my intention or the reason. My reason is to give you my experience and to know that it was ultimately my choice. It was ultimately up to me to decide. And I want that for every human. It’s not political or religious- this is being written from my heart.
And it is as follows:
Grief is grief and loss is a loss.
Any woman and Man that face abortion are allowed to grieve.
Any Woman who chooses to terminate a pregnancy should not be shamed and afraid of the backlash or having to explain to anyone.
God does not punish.
Just like all medical procedures, there is a place, a reason and a right for a woman to choose if she feels it necessary to terminate her pregnancy.
I do not believe it should be a form of birth control.
For me personally, yes I regret having an Abortion. Yes, I think of it often. And today all that I want is to be a mother. That is something I’ve had to learn to live with forgiveness. It isn’t anyone’s right to judge me or another human being in making that choice.
I cannot or will not ever judge a woman for choosing what is right for her body, and her circumstances. I will not ever comment because, in all truth, it’s none of my business.
I know all the sides and this is my personal opinion. This is where I stand.
If I could go back I would but I can’t. But if it had been illegal to terminate; I probably would have still gotten an abortion at that time in my life.
And I cannot in good conscience have any more commentary than this.
I use to search everywhere for forgiveness, and where I have found it, is within and in God. I am not perfect and obviously whoever reads this will have an opinion but why? Why are we so quick to judge each other and shame each other? I don’t deserve a medal. But I also don’t deserve this experience to define my moral character.
Just like speaking grief, I will always speak for a woman to have a choice. And for you that may be wondering, how do you believe in God?
Because God knows my heart.
God knows. And I have found peace in that.
If you feel shame, fear or lack of understanding- allow me to say it this simply. Whatever anyone thinks of you, is none of your business. It is only your concern to love and honor yourself. It is only your concern to get up daily and try to be the best person that you can be. Leave all the rest. I don’t do politics or debate, because each situation- is individual and personal. And that is my opinion and my truth.
Thank you for reading.
And if you have any questions, need support or would like to send me an email, click here.
All my love and grace,