Oh my – well obviously the name of my “brand” is After Chloe and well for you that may be wondering – who is Chloe?
She’s my child. She was born on December 29, 2010, and she died on February 22, 2011.
There are more nevers than memories…We never danced together – yet while she was inside my womb I played music for her daily.
We never talked with words but our eyes shared a lifetime of love even though her life was so short.
The loss of my baby destroyed me and revived me throughout the time I’ve been without her. I never seem to understand that she is gone but yet daily it will still sucker punch me. And I never have been able to explain my grief properly. To sum it all up I never got to see her grow up or be who she was meant to be.
Last June I saw a woman, my friend whose 17 yr old son was murdered in 2013 and she said – I often think of you and Chloe’s dad because I got 17 years and you only got moments. That comment lead me to write this post.
Infant loss is unimaginable commanding pain and anguish that I can’t describe effectively in words. I don’t want you to know what I am talking about, it’s my wish that another baby wouldn’t pass away, that another miscarriage or stillbirth would ever happen again. I wish I had done so many things differently through my pregnancy – through her time here with us but I just didn’t understand. I didn’t believe anything like Chloe dying could happen.
But here is what I know today and my hope is that you will find some grace and healing through my words.
1). It doesn’t matter
Everything I use to deem important just doesn’t matter anymore. I became a mother the day I found out I was pregnant with Chloe. That day I learned that all that mattered was giving Chloe a life worth living. I didn’t realize that all the small stuff doesn’t matter. We want everyone to acknowledge our loss, we want everyone to stop but the truth is – everyone keeps going. It’s up to you to figure out that you matter – your child matters and that is all that matters. You grieving and honoring your baby’s memory that’s what matters!!!!
2). No one feels what you feel
No one absolutely no one can feel exactly what you feel. You have to recognize this and also realize that infant loss- it’s a club – it’s a society that should only be one of respect and understanding. There is no right and there is no wrong- your grief journey is only yours, take this journey with respect and dignity!
3). Believe in the process
I use to think – I can’t make it through today and then I did. It’s a process there will be bad days – more bad days and some not so good days and some ok days. Every day you have to face how you wake up. Some days all you will have is the absence of your baby and all the days you will wonder who she/he would have been. It is a process you cannot fast forward or ignore – only take it as it comes.
4). Milestones and all the days
Every milestone that has been taken from me is a setback – all the days are setbacks. Chloe is a part of me I will always grieve her absence, I will always grieve her growth. I will always miss Chloe – that is what I accept today.
5). You are allowed to talk about your baby
There is no replacement or silence or ignoring … you lost your baby, you are allowed to talk about your baby- say your baby’s name and do whatever you need to do to honor your baby’s life! Don’t ever not talk about your baby if that gives you comfort!!!!
6). Stop feeling guilty for your feelings
We will be guilty. We will fear that if we are happy or we are ok that we are forgetting our babies. This isn’t true. This in fact isn’t the truth ever never. In fact, it’s the opposite. Your baby is always on your mind but know this- if you are able to have moments of joy, moments of happiness – you do that. You only do what gives you comfort and the ability to be ok.
7). You are worth it
No matter the loss, no matter the tragedy – remember that you deserve an extraordinary life. You deserve to be happy – you deserve the life you have been given. Regardless if you choose truly live or just exist, you deserve a wonderful life and the world keeps going. Living doesn’t negate the love and your beautiful baby’s life. And no matter what your baby is an amazing life!!!
I hope this helps you through your journey. I am here if you need me!! Click here to email me
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