Letting Go

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Letting GO (1)

I can still remember the first time I felt abandoned or the pain of loosing someone or something that I could not replace… At the time that feeling was unbearable and I decided I would do whatever I could to avoid feeling “alone”… There began my belief that love was accepting to put up with, to fight for, to be afraid, to feel fear… my love story was written full of fear versus the faith. I didn’t understand what I had with my parents- I only understood when I gave birth to Chloe, although it was an emergency surgery… It was calm and beautiful.. All the while looking in her father’s eyes as we both saw her- long and pink with a head full of hair… that was love coming softly.. that was me asking God for the wisdom to be a good mother.. that was the first time in my whole life that I could let go .. hence began my journey of learning what letting go is…

My mother told me from the time I was 3 years old that – “Love comes softly”- I did not understand what that meant- except for my parents I spent my life looking for happiness, contentment and to feel that void I felt inside my soul- looking for someone to love and for someone to love me.

Unfortunately, no one could fill the void, the pain and the constant self-sabotage I did to myself through abusing myself, allowing abuse from others, the constant strain I put on myself… I refused to let anything go.. not the self-sabotage, not the pain, the fear, the doubts, the bad relationships, the need for the acceptance of others and so on.. So what it all came down to is the need to let it go.. then I found Chloe’s dad and he loved me, he believed in me, he made me feel like I had my person.. to this day I still get butterflies in my tummy when I think of him or see him.. but my damage and his damage took over the relationship and soon I believed if I had a baby like he wanted it would save us- it would prevent me from having to let go… Chloe came 3 months early.. she came on 12/29/10 and I saw her and I knew she was my lesson in truly loving softly… she was all love and as I write this I become overwhelmed with emotion of how much I love her- how much joy she brought me and how I finally understand what it is to love without expectation or disappointment .. as most of you know I had to let her go on 2/22/11 and I thought I was going to die right along with her- the void I feel has forever changed me … the other constant was my mother who died a year and almost 8 months later…the letting go was painful and full of fear and pain.. so much pain.. letting go was harder than holding on to the grief and the inability to function. What I learned was how to let go without forgetting or acting like it hasn’t changed who I am- I let go of the lack of love and the inability to be who I am meant to be and that is someone who knows love comes softly and it all starts with me.. wouldn’t you like to rewrite your love story? Would you be afraid of letting go of the pain and fear if you were guaranteed the faith that its all going to be OK? Would you continue to tolerate bad behavior if you knew that you could have someone that loved you and treated you only with respect and love? What is stopping you from Letting Go? Why are you thinking that letting go means something bad? Maybe just maybe its all going to be OK- not like you thought it would be but still OK. Maybe beyond what you think you deserve.. maybe the love story is with yourself? Just maybe?

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